As I woke this morning, my Facebook notifications barked out an alarm, like a beagle discovering a fox’s scent trail and howling that it’s Sandy Lafollette’s Birthday! So, I started scouring the interweb thingy for a clever birthday wish, but not too clever as it had to look like I composed it, not just plagiarized it. I found several brief such blessings and stitched them together, forming a quilt of (not too) cleverness. You don’t even want to know how long that took.
As my keyboard spewed out astute multisyllables, I noticed Sandy’s odd profile pic with two strange children. I thought, “who are those kids! Mikel and Patrick are goina be pissed!” I then popped into Sandy’s photo collection. I started diving down deep into these images’ cavernous dungeons till my index finger cramped from mouse wheel spin overexertion. I kept seeing Sandy with a strange man (well, not her usual strange man that I know). I thought, “who is this man! Scott is goina be pissed!” I had a brief flash of admiration for Sandy having a double life family thing going down. Who’d a thunk it?
I looked closer into the woman’s eyes to see what the glint of bigamy looked-like. Oops! That was Wrong Sandy LaFollette, not Correct Sandy LaFollette. I must have double Facebook friended two Sandy Lafollettes. I quickly thought, “Damn! I wasted all that plagiarizing effort. Now, I’m goina be pissed.” Now I had a Facebook Double Friended kerfuffle! Slowly, a brilliant idea flooded my muskmelon brain.
I’d go ahead, unfold the birthday wishes quilt, and drape it over the Correct Sandy LaFollette’s Facebook feed. I’d play it off as either being a little early or a little late for her real birthday. Either way, I’d come off looking like a thoughtful bastard. So, I continued to let my keyboard spew:
If I knew how to use the oven, I’d give you a birthday cake. I don’t. Therefore, you will have to settle for a simple Happy birthday wish. To one of the most tolerable people in the news from my personal Facebook feed, as you slide down the banisters of life, may the splinters never be directed in the wrong way. I drink to your health in taverns; I drink to your health in home, I drink to your health so many times, I believe I have ruined my own.
Reading all that now, it wasn’t worth all that plagiarizing effort, was it? So, I’m going to pull an Emily Litella, “Never mind.”(If you’re an old fart who watched Saturday Night Live in the early ’70s, like me, you got that reference).
PS. I don’t know if I should unfriend Wrong Sandy LaFollette as I have accidentally tagged her in photographs (she never questioned that at all). However, she seems to have that girly suburban saccharin that makes me dyspeptic. A fix to my Facebook Double Friended kerfuffle!
PS. PS. There is a Wrong Scott LaFollette too! Who’d a thunk it? Will there be another Facebook Double Friended kerfuffle?
PS. PS. PS. Now, what was I doing before I became distracted with penning all that above?